I’m back after a long hiatus, so let’s go through a checklist of stuff that I expected to happen during my absence:
Cavs win the NBA Championship – I’m still trying to figure out if this actually happened, or if it was some kind of fever dream I experienced due to the unbearable stress of watching Game 7. My daughter claims she went to a parade in downtown Cleveland, but that could have been part of a bogus production staged by the government to keep everyone calm during the RNC (remember the so-called “Moon Walk” in ’69?)
- Donald Trump abandons presidential bid following coup d’état in Cleveland – No such luck… and no amount of time away from work can erase the horror of knowing that respectable journalists (as well as this writer) might soon be required to use the term “President Trump.”
- Legends of Shriv-Rock finally call it quits – Then there’s the horror of Viagra… Not only are future tour dates planned for the septuagenarians in The Rolling Stones and The Who, but Mick Jagger is expecting a child with his 29-year-old girlfriend. To borrow a phrase from my grandson: Ewwww!
- Recent changes continue to make the game of baseball less time-consuming – Yes, those would’ve worked just fine, if the umps didn’t have to place a call to the Intergalactic Advisory Consulate on Baseball Rules & Regulations to get a final read on every disputed call.
- Hillary shifts the focus from Benghazi and email servers to the real issues facing the American people – Ha! Must be a missive from a parallel universe. If the Trump-meister has his way, he’ll keep riding that Benghazi bronc right into the ground while using his new Russian hacker-buddies to dig up more dirt on all those private emails. Isn’t Flixter a more reliable source for movie recommendations?
- The revitalization of downtown Akron marches on – Hey, only 15 abandoned buildings to go!
- Every bar in America offers hand-crafted cocktails – I recently attended an event that featured one of these highly impersonal cocktail-making machines. Punch in your choice of libation, add a “splash” if you wish, and voilà – a more than acceptable mixed drink. Sure, I missed having some earnest hipster tell me where the bourbon was mashed, and I can’t help but admire a perfect sphere of ice. But sometimes you need the booze a lot more than the embellishments (and all that messy human interaction).
- Post-boomers begin to reject virtual reality and embrace actual reality – I really had high hopes for the next generation of Americans, until I found out about Pokémon Go. Then again, at least it’s bringing the kids out of the basement and into the great outdoors, where they can search for Poké-prey at the local cemetery like zombies clawing their way to a fresh kill.
- The United Kingdom strengthens its role as a beacon of progressive thought and economic strength – Not really sure what happened there… I guess the Brits have their own homegrown demagogues to worry about.
- We finally turn the corner on gun violence, terrorism and racial intolerance – In just the few short weeks since I last posted on this site, we’ve been overwhelmed by the tragic events in Orlando, Baton Rouge, Minneapolis, Dallas, Nice, Istanbul, Syria… as well as the specter of the NRA’s favorite candidate becoming the next President of the United States. God help us.
- iTunes purchases Rubber City Review in multi-billion-dollar deal – I’m not giving up on this one. Call me, Mr. Cook!
Let’s remember the Stones in their prime – 1972… Exile on Main St… the same tour that landed at the Akron Rubber Bowl on July 11 of that year. I was there (somewhat impaired… but then again, so was the band).