In General

Someone (probably one of our former subscribers) claimed that RCR’s best stuff is informed by a very bad attitude.

I’m not sure I agree with that. Most of our posts celebrate the power of music and its ability to bring about positive change in the world. But I have to admit, if that well’s running dry, I’d rather bitch.

Here are a few things that have been driving me to distraction and the liquor store over the past few weeks:

Trumpmania. If you’re a Republican and consider yourself reasonable and somewhat progressive (is that even possible today?), then you should be very worried about Donald Trump. Just when you think he’s blown himself up by saying something incredibly racist or sexist or just plain dumb, he actually gains a little ground in the latest poll. Scorched-earth politics is grand theater – and maybe that’s The Donald’s only true intention. But the joke starts to wear a little thin as Dems struggle to find a credible candidate (and extremist whackjobs pay tribute to Trump with their random acts of violence). I’m searching through Revelations to see if there’s any mention of a blowhard with bad hair. Was the Tom & Jerry cartoon racist? Are straight women ruining gay bars? Is my morning cup of coffee truly sustainable? Is it OK to shop while your cart is in line at the grocery store? Fellow Dems, this is why a numbnut like Trump continues to get traction. If I wanted someone to tell me what to think and how to act, I would’ve become a Scientologist (then I could bitch about Slate’s semi-regular smackdowns of the world’s easiest target, Tom Cruise).

Hipsters. Hey, I get it… My city’s very future probably hinges on how successful we are at attracting this much-coveted demographic. And I enjoy locally sourced food as much as the next guy. Just don’t make me grow a beard with a handlebar moustache, shave the sides of my head, stuff me in a vest, slap a trendy chapeau on my head and force me to read Infinite Jest with a monocle-like device while drinking gluten-free vodka and listening to Deer Tick. Is that too much to ask?

Unisex Bathroom Abusers. I really patted myself on the back for adapting to this whole unisex bathroom thing (or, as I like to call them, bisexual water closets). But I think women are getting the short end of this stick, because there’s still no shortage of overgrown fratboys who like to piss everywhere but in the toilet (they’d probably piss all over the seat too, but they’re too busy leaving it up for the woman waiting outside). Maybe future WCs should be equipped with a switch that irradiates all human waste in the room, including overgrown fratboys.

skinny suitSkinny Suits. Take a regular suit and taper it down so the pants highlight your varicose veins and you need a couple shoehorns and a vat of Oleo to get into them. Actually, a skinny suit might look good on Alex Rodriguez, but it makes me look like I’m auditioning for the lead in Oliver. I recently saw an urban hipster wearing a skinny suit with what appeared to be skin-tight Bermuda shorts, which is a sure sign of the impending Apocalypse. If we’re going to reinvent business attire, how about bringing back the zoot suit with the reet pleat (you swing-daddys out there know what I’m talking about!).

Potholes. I know, easy target. Actually, after I wore out the front end of a perfectly good Volvo, my wife accused me of purposely driving into our city’s king-sized road craters. But I think it’s time for Akron to come up with a more aggressive resurfacing program. Hell, I’d gladly pay a gas tax if I knew the money was being used to ensure my neighborhood’s streets don’t resemble the back alleys of Benghazi (although things would have to get a lot worse for me to consider buying something that’s even easier to hate: a Humvee).

CaitlinCait and the Kardashians. Can’t these people just go away for good? Of course not, because they CRAVE OUR FRIGGIN’ ATTENTION! After Caitlyn Jenner received the Arthur Ashe Courage Award during the 2015 ESPYs, Bob Costas dared to describe the whole thing as a “tabloid play.” That led to the expected media backlash, with several commentators accusing Costas of being tone-deaf and insensitive. Hmmm… Bob Costas, Media Thug?? Look, I can appreciate Jenner’s longstanding gender-related challenges and her willingness to speak out on those issues. But she seems just as focused on making the transition from one reality TV show to another (and maybe generating some cash for an expected legal battle). And don’t get me started on those goddam Kardashians… At least Jenner can point to an Olympic gold medal and say that, at one point in her life, she was more than just a professional celebrity.

EDM. For those of you who have never taken a hit of Ecstasy or worked in the fashion industry, that’s an acronym for Electronic Dance Music. I’ve tried to appreciate this stuff. I really have. But every time I walk into a space that someone is trying to make fabulous with EDM, I keep expecting to be accosted by a vinyl-clad sprite named Rudi: “Sir, your feeble senses simply cannot handle the next bass drop. In fact, only the young and beautiful can hear the frequencies employed by DJ Digitar. Please take the escalator down to the lower level for elderly assistive care products.”

convenienceConvenience Stores. At the risk of sounding like Seinfeld, what’s so convenient about waiting in line while some beefy, sleeveless dude buys five coney dogs and a dozen Cash Explosion cards? Actually, you can learn a lot from even the briefest visits to the convenience store – like whether a cheap metal shelf can support several hundred pounds of high-fructose corn syrup products and a teenage couple engaged in a public sex act. Are you a fan of flash mobs? One recently visited a convenience store just down the street from my house. Unfortunately, it’s sole purpose was to trash the place, not to recreate the video to Michael Jackson’s Thriller. Eh, I think I’ll take my chances over at Giant Eagle.

Home Depot. Hey man, help a brother out over here. I mean, just look at me… my collar’s white, literally. I have no idea where you hang your socket wrenches or hide your furnace filters. Don’t make me walk around this godforsaken store for another half hour looking for stuff that keeps my house from imploding. Eh, fuck it… I’ll go to West Hill Hardware instead. I might pay a little more for a roll of duct tape, but at least the guy behind the counter won’t make me feel like a piece of shit. In the meantime, I’ll leave this widget by the self-checkout scanner. Good luck figuring out where it belongs.

The folks who run The University of Akron. They’ve been a rich and bottomless source of material (here’s an item for my next list – colleges that shouldn’t have football teams). But I’ll leave the heavy lifting on this one to my friend Chris Horne over at The Devil Strip. Enjoy!

One more: the latest act of gun-related violence. Nothing even remotely amusing to share here. Once again, I feel deep sadness for these victims, their families, their friends… lives I otherwise wouldn’t know or bother to think about, which in itself is sad to consider. Just pray that the process of evolution still works, and that one day we’ll be able to claw our way out of this mess.

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Showing 15 comments
  • Deb

    Thanks for validating my opinion sometimes fee l like I’m an alien plucked down in this crazy world. Especially the Donald what are they thinking?

  • Mayor of Melonville

    I’ll believe “Caitlin” is the real deal when the penis comes off. Until then, nothing but a poseur looking for attention.

    As for Trump, I like that he is forcing conversation on issues that rarely gain traction to the extent they have now.

    Didn’t the U of Akron have a meltdown surrounding their new stadium a few years ago? Like their stud got hooked on black tar or somesuch? Maybe the memory is too hazy here, but it popped into my consciousness.

  • admin

    Thanks Deb. There’s a lot of anger in the Repub party. It used to be fairly well contained, but The Donald opened up the floodgates. Maybe we should thank him for that. I always thought the Tea Party had little to do with libertarianism and a lot to do with good old-fashioned bigotry.

  • admin

    Hey Mayor, once Again we’ll have to agree to disagree on politics (thank god we agree on the sanctity of American blues music… Were you a friend of Lee Atwater?). And no, your memory doesn’t fail you. Heroin felled 2 U of A football players several years ago. It’s a huge problem in this area. Far too many kids are getting hooked and overdosing. Remember when dropping acid seemed like the most extreme form of drug abuse (at least to middle-class white kids), and the only place where you saw heroin addicts was the Lower East Side of NYC? I never would’ve guessed that in four decades it would be prevalent everywhere, and at every level of society. Definitely an example (along with The Donald… sorry Mayor!) of deevolution at work.

  • DrRaFZ

    For a second I thought I blacked out and wrote this article in myself. Spot on in all areas! I’m starting to think Hipsters are pod people, especially when they give me a blank stare when I try to tell them EDM doesn’t have any soul. Do you think Donaldmania will convince rational thinking conservatives types to start considering voting third party? I think Libertarian as a protest to the two party system is the way to go.

  • Mayor of Melonville

    Tim, I didn’t say I would vote for Trump; I said he is making folks of all stripes pay attention.

    The black tar heroin epidemic was precipitated by the Oxycodone fiasco. When the street price reached $10/gram the “Xalisco Boys” discovered they could market a far cheaper yet similar drug…black tar heroin. The result is what you see now.

  • admin

    Thanks DrRaFZ. It’s going to be real interesting to see what more rational Repubs (I guess I’d put Ohio Gov Kasich in that category) do if Trump gets nominated. I can’t help but think that an election with Trump and a right-leaning independent would be disastrous for both. Trumpmania is really the last gasp for people who yearn for an America that never really existed. Rather than recognize multiculturalism as a strength, Trump supporters view it as the source of all our problems. It’ll take a couple generations to work this shit out of our system.

  • admin

    I wouldn’t call it a “conversation” though, Mayor. Trump’s good at heaving hate-filled grenades. I don’t think he really gives a shit how anyone responds.

  • Rick Zaidan

    I don’t know if the Internet has made us numb to all sorts of dumbfuckery, but Trump’s appearance in Iowa was not so much a speech, but more like opening act comedy club stand up. His string of non-sequiturs, gross generalizations, lies, damn lies, name dropping, and smug self aggrandizement somehow passes for policy and at the same time manages to neutralize the collective mojo of the remaining Republican meat puppets. I sometimes think Scott Scarborough is taking his cues from Trump in that Scarborough knows he can propose any sort nonsense (Cadets?) and the puppets on the Board of Trustees will just rubber stamp this nonsense (as they did with Proenza) knowing that there is absolutely no balance of power or penalties for their gross dereliction of duty.
    EDM- I gave that shot last week now that I have an Apple Music subscription. I would like to try an experiment by halfway through an EDM show and switch to the long version of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida and see if anyone notices.
    Sorry, gotta run to Homa Deep – as this one old Italian stonemason I know calls it.

  • admin

    Hey Z. Our man Chris Horne is fighting the good fight at The Devil Strip against all forms of dumbfuckery. Head there for the latest on the U of A/Scarborough fiasco. And let me know if your stonemason buddy can accompany me on my next trip to Homa Deep. I clearly need a wingman.

  • Rick Zaidan

    Chris Horne is shaming the ABJ into covering the UAkron clusterfuck. He’s doing a helluva job.

    Owning two 90 year old buildings sends me to Homa Deep and Lowe’s 2-3 days a week.
    Good news though, the Howe Ave Homa Deep just did a complete remodel of their restrooms.
    It’s downright civilized now.

  • Nik Drake

    My God, try living in London. There’s a place in the East called Haggerston which is a breeding ground for hipsters. Everyone looks like they’re in shit fancy dress. The thing is, over here it’s become mainstream so we’re saturated with artisan coffee shops, gluten free restaurants and grown men in children’s clothes pretending they still look good on a skateboard. If you haven’t already seen it this is a brilliant education in the London hipster:

    And Trump is a moron with right wing hair. I mean he’s a comedy villain! If he becomes Pres we may as well all book out ticket to Mars

  • admin

    That’s hilarious Nik (and very depressing). I never thought of Trump as having right-wing hair… You should share that little gem with the lugnuts over at Faux News. Always good to hear from you. Interested in heading up our London Bureau?

  • admin

    Just watched the video… brilliant!! Should I be worried that I’m a part-time blogger? (At least I’m not writing about my balls.)

  • Ell Jaycue

    Too soon? No. Repost, Nostradamus.

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